A lot's gone on in this small space of 17 years - there's been tears, fears and smiles, as there are in every person's life, but there are always times that are harder than others. I know it's selfish, because there are millions worse off than I, but right now, and for a long time, I've been dealt a shitty card compared to the people I know. And when the people I know have it great and it's rubbed in your face - it's not that awesome.
I'm proud of how far I've come and where I've been. I'm already proud of where I hope to be in the future, but it doesn't stop the little things getting me down. I don't think it stops anyone. I feel terrible for feeling this way, and getting down on myself, but getting down on myself FOR getting down on myself just makes everything worse - and I think people, teenage girls especially, do this way too often.
Right now, we are trying to move from outside of our tiny city, INTO our tiny city - it's not really working. Economically, it SHOULD be better for us, but it's proving a difficult task. We have a perfect credit rating and no debt - but we've been knocked back for FIVE houses in the last WEEK. It's causing tension, especially with Mum and I and I don't like it, at all. And because I was the one who suggested the move for convenience reasons, I feel absolutely terrible.
I have anxiety, and it's only gotten worse over the last three years since I left the city I'd spent 13 and half years in. It amplified after I spoke out against my grandfather, who had also been molesting me for three years. I lost half my family and managed to convince myself it was my fault, what happened to me. I'm getting past that, slowly but surely. I can never be okay with what happened, but who ever could? I'll live through it, I've already lived through the worst.
It took two and half years for me to tell someone outside of my family - the subject of my first romance. He walked away. So I guess you could say it was more than hard when I finally got the courage to tell my closest friends - and as supportive as they are, I still regret it. I don't want people to know if they know me personally. People judge - anxiety and all that.
I never came forward to protect myself either - I came forward to protect my cousins and my sister. I was scared it would happen to them and the signs were getting clearer that he was trying. But it still gets to me, as all things like this get to everyone involved in similar situations.
In the end, I know the sun will shine. But it's not looking very sunny right now - physically and figuratively.
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