I don't like cleaning. We do it way too much in this house and I don't like it.
I have lines to learn for my end-of-year production... I know one scene out of five. I'm such a great lead! Thank god we love physical theatre and centred the play around it so there are LESS lines to learn. But instead I'm going to clean and blog and clean and blog and sleep.
But I don't wanna clean! My sister has again got out of it by going to the water park. #whitegirlproblems
But yeah. Let's clean AGAIN mum! I'm sure we'll do it again on Monday!
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Monday, 24 September 2012
Stormy Night
I've never been scared of storms - till apparently last night.
I blame the anxiety and the fact that my eyes have opened up to the horrors this world can throw at us, but I was paralysed with fear during the first storm of the Summer last night.
I curled up on the couch, as my mum still typed away on her laptop, the TV blaring with that Airport Security show - silent but flinching with every flash of lightning and rumble of thunder. The storms started at 3.00 in the afternoon, but went around us - four hours later they were having a nice little party above my house.
It wasn't little - but it was small compared to the storms I had endured and been somewhat entertained by in my previous years. I have even survived a tornado that destroyed almost my whole estate, but spared our house. Terrifying. But even after then I wasn't overly scared of Thor's games.
Apparently that's changed.
I'm hoping that tonight, there isn't a repeat. I'd like some sleep and NOT to have any anxiety attacks.
I blame the anxiety and the fact that my eyes have opened up to the horrors this world can throw at us, but I was paralysed with fear during the first storm of the Summer last night.
I curled up on the couch, as my mum still typed away on her laptop, the TV blaring with that Airport Security show - silent but flinching with every flash of lightning and rumble of thunder. The storms started at 3.00 in the afternoon, but went around us - four hours later they were having a nice little party above my house.
It wasn't little - but it was small compared to the storms I had endured and been somewhat entertained by in my previous years. I have even survived a tornado that destroyed almost my whole estate, but spared our house. Terrifying. But even after then I wasn't overly scared of Thor's games.
Apparently that's changed.
I'm hoping that tonight, there isn't a repeat. I'd like some sleep and NOT to have any anxiety attacks.
Ray of Light
A lot's gone on in this small space of 17 years - there's been tears, fears and smiles, as there are in every person's life, but there are always times that are harder than others. I know it's selfish, because there are millions worse off than I, but right now, and for a long time, I've been dealt a shitty card compared to the people I know. And when the people I know have it great and it's rubbed in your face - it's not that awesome.
I'm proud of how far I've come and where I've been. I'm already proud of where I hope to be in the future, but it doesn't stop the little things getting me down. I don't think it stops anyone. I feel terrible for feeling this way, and getting down on myself, but getting down on myself FOR getting down on myself just makes everything worse - and I think people, teenage girls especially, do this way too often.
Right now, we are trying to move from outside of our tiny city, INTO our tiny city - it's not really working. Economically, it SHOULD be better for us, but it's proving a difficult task. We have a perfect credit rating and no debt - but we've been knocked back for FIVE houses in the last WEEK. It's causing tension, especially with Mum and I and I don't like it, at all. And because I was the one who suggested the move for convenience reasons, I feel absolutely terrible.
I have anxiety, and it's only gotten worse over the last three years since I left the city I'd spent 13 and half years in. It amplified after I spoke out against my grandfather, who had also been molesting me for three years. I lost half my family and managed to convince myself it was my fault, what happened to me. I'm getting past that, slowly but surely. I can never be okay with what happened, but who ever could? I'll live through it, I've already lived through the worst.
It took two and half years for me to tell someone outside of my family - the subject of my first romance. He walked away. So I guess you could say it was more than hard when I finally got the courage to tell my closest friends - and as supportive as they are, I still regret it. I don't want people to know if they know me personally. People judge - anxiety and all that.
I never came forward to protect myself either - I came forward to protect my cousins and my sister. I was scared it would happen to them and the signs were getting clearer that he was trying. But it still gets to me, as all things like this get to everyone involved in similar situations.
In the end, I know the sun will shine. But it's not looking very sunny right now - physically and figuratively.
I'm proud of how far I've come and where I've been. I'm already proud of where I hope to be in the future, but it doesn't stop the little things getting me down. I don't think it stops anyone. I feel terrible for feeling this way, and getting down on myself, but getting down on myself FOR getting down on myself just makes everything worse - and I think people, teenage girls especially, do this way too often.
Right now, we are trying to move from outside of our tiny city, INTO our tiny city - it's not really working. Economically, it SHOULD be better for us, but it's proving a difficult task. We have a perfect credit rating and no debt - but we've been knocked back for FIVE houses in the last WEEK. It's causing tension, especially with Mum and I and I don't like it, at all. And because I was the one who suggested the move for convenience reasons, I feel absolutely terrible.
I have anxiety, and it's only gotten worse over the last three years since I left the city I'd spent 13 and half years in. It amplified after I spoke out against my grandfather, who had also been molesting me for three years. I lost half my family and managed to convince myself it was my fault, what happened to me. I'm getting past that, slowly but surely. I can never be okay with what happened, but who ever could? I'll live through it, I've already lived through the worst.
It took two and half years for me to tell someone outside of my family - the subject of my first romance. He walked away. So I guess you could say it was more than hard when I finally got the courage to tell my closest friends - and as supportive as they are, I still regret it. I don't want people to know if they know me personally. People judge - anxiety and all that.
I never came forward to protect myself either - I came forward to protect my cousins and my sister. I was scared it would happen to them and the signs were getting clearer that he was trying. But it still gets to me, as all things like this get to everyone involved in similar situations.
In the end, I know the sun will shine. But it's not looking very sunny right now - physically and figuratively.
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